Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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