When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
