Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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