The maid of honor just puked.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
