It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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