Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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