Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
