Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
there is glitter all over my balls
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
