I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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