So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
