Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
