that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
