I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
