you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
