i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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