woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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