he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
