you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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