I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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