we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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