I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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