If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
