True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
