Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
