You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i love accidental penises.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
