"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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