Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
