I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
