Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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