someone get that fucking seahorse.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
