I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
