I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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