Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
