Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
