ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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