he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
