I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
