i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
