The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
