hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
