my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
