If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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