Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
