so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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