i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
