"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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