you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
