So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
