sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Randomize
