I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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